Lost

I write letters, and in all honesty, I think that they're where I do my best writing. Because they are meant for someone, I am speaking with a purpose. I need to learn how to speak with a purpose no matter what.

I lost my temper yesterday. I discovered a few things. One, that there are certain things that can never be forgiven, no matter how much you want to. Two, I can be really ugly to people when I cross a certain line. Three, that it is infinitely better to be kind and speak your truth than be cruel and speak your truth. This last one I know, I just seem to have difficulty mastering it when I am angry and frustrated. I'm only human.

I feel far away from where I've been, from who I used to be. When my father was alive, I knew so much of what he admired about me, my wonder at the world, my love of all things happy and good. With him gone, I feel like that part of me that he loved to dearly and that I felt good about died with him. I feel so old. So tired and weary of petty drama and inconsiderate bullshit. I've become jaded and it shows. I'm angry and I lash out randomly and most of the time, the real reason for my anger and outbursts is lost amidst a bunch of surface bullshit, making me look small and stupid...so much so that I begin to believe it myself.

I just want to be happy.

I'm not sure I know how to be that anymore.