TiLt

It’s happened again. I got carried away, and I got hurt, and really it’s not anyone’s fault, these things happen, at least that’s what I tell myself.

We all have defense mechanisms, ways of coping. Everyone has an autopilot switch, a way of shutting out everything else in order to get through hell...but most people don’t enjoy the ride. I have something else, people might call it an alter-ego, but it is frighteningly more defined than a figment of my imagination, more than a cape or an outfit I can slip on when I'm feeling sad or weak. I have an entire consciousness that surfaces and takes over…

…and I don't know where She came from.

Perhaps a bit of lymphatic fluid that never got processed and festered in my body, a blood disease that developed a personality. Maybe she's an angel on my shoulder...very unlikely, unless she crash landed there after being kicked out of heaven, or maybe somewhere along the way I really did because home to a parasite, my demon girl.

Perhaps, and what seems most likely, is that I’m just crazy.

Lions, and tigers, and bears...oh my. My demon girl eats them all right up, protects me from anything that might hurt me…except for herself. Myself. The only thing left to fear is the hunger that I still have left. The longing for something that she cannot give to me, what is it that I'm searching for? When I've retreated so far back into my heart, to a place where you can't reach me. But I want you to reach me, despite whatever pain it could cause.

But Tilt doesn’t like being on the receiving end of pain. It pisses her off.

I have been here before, miserable and broken, retreating far back inside myself to numb everything that I’m feeling. It’s where I go when Tilt takes over for me. And I should have known it would come to this. I suppose She was waiting for it, like she always is, ready to take over when the dreamer woke up into a nightmare, which She either planned or already knew would happen. She knows a lover can't exist in a place like this. They are too soft for these jagged edges of something that was once beautiful. So I hand over the reigns and hide behind my eyes while my demon Tilt does all the talking. My mouth, Her words, but can't you see me looking at you? Wishing I was strong enough to tell you what I really want to. What she’d never let me.

"But we tried that, or at least YOU did," She reminds me. "And I told you it would all end in tears...and here you are."

She's right. Her logic is flawless most of the time. I hate Her for that. For her coldness, for Her ability to predict disaster on the horizon. For Her wild recklessness, so much like mine, to charge head first into what is sure to be earth-shattering heartbreak. And I hate that when it is over, I cannot be her. Because you can't feel without a heart…which is exactly what I suspect Tilt does not have, and for that I envy Her, to never have to know heartbreak. It's enough sometimes to wish I never had to know love.

Heartless as she might be, Tilt is still my savior.

She keeps me safe from my own emotions, picks up my broken body and proclaims with manic laughter that tonight we are going out! And everyone else is insignificant and who give a fuck about them anyways. She’s got a bad attitude and a wicked smile, along with the steady hand that applies my makeup, and the stronger will that holds back the tears that would otherwise ruin her handy work on my eyeliner. She is my idol, my best friend.

My worst fucking enemy.

Why She insists on doing things the way only the most practiced sinner would, I will never understand. It is a constant battle between her and I, what she wants, and what is right. She is an evil enchantress, and I can always feel Her creeping up my spine, perching on my shoulder, whispering Her diabolical plans into my ear. And sometimes when I resist, twisted little bitch that She is, She takes over. Grabs the wheel from my hands, shoves me out of the driver’s seat, and stomps down hard on the gas pedal, landing us in some huge mess.

But I can’t help it, I love Tilt.

Though, She’s hijacked my body now, and for doing so I may never forgive Her. I want to talk to you. I want to do whatever it is a weak, soft, stupid girl in love is supposed to do. Not the thing that Tilt would have me do, she’s out for revenge. My heart hurts and She might not know how to love anything or anyone else, but I know that I am the only thing that She loves, because I AM her….selfish little fuck.

I’m struggling to get back over into the drivers seat, but somehow we’re in some kind of ridiculously fast, sleek black car, and it’s manual. Tilt knows how to drive manual. Not me though.

“You bitch, you did that on purpose!” She knows I can only drive automatic. She knows.

She turns to me. That wicked, wicked, wicked grin.

“It’s for our own good! We gotta go, far away from here, from your broken heart. So I’ll drive us until it doesn’t hurt anymore, just like I drove you out of Statesboro. I’ll always have the getaway car! Now, don’t be stupid,” She rips out the rear view mirror, “Never look back. Haven’t you learned anything?”

Tilt, Miss lust-and-leave them, the bitch who turns nice boys into assholes after stomping on their emotions, the one-woman-wrecking ball who leaves in Her path a trail of broken promises and half eaten hearts…She gets anything She wants, when She wants it, or at least tries to, and leaves the mess for someone else. Why would She ever need to look back at such an eyesore? And yes, maybe She’s right, looking back might not be the best thing, but hell, I’m only human…and I haven’t done anything nearly as bad as Tilt would have, the view in the rearview is still worth saving. All I want is to jump out of this stupid convertible and run back to you and try and make things right, and yes, I’m sure that will hurt me like hell. And yes, I know She won’t ever let me do that.

Pride, just one of the seven sins she’s made of.

She doesn’t understand compromise, or give and take. She doesn’t understand forgiveness, and She doesn’t understand weakness. I can feel how repulsed She is with me. She is in Wrath mode. I suppose it is better She’s driving me away from someone instead of trying to eat their heart. Oh trust me, it’s happened before.

“Look at you, you’re a fucking mess. Why does any of this matter? What do any of these people you’ve ever loved care about you? Nothing! You’ve given your heart countless times, and what ALWAYS happens Erica? They break it! I mean...unless you let me break theirs first, but for your own good! But you always give yourself away, your stupid heart, if it were up to me, they might as well keep the damn thing! All it does is ruin our fun.”

She’s driving too fast, and not even looking at the road, She’s looking at me, bottom lip in a pout. Yeah, they just ruin our fun Tilt. She’s trying to convince me She knows best. I don’t want to listen anymore. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want Her to drive the getaway car. I don’t even know where we’re heading. I sigh. I can’t help it, I love Tilt, and I want to do what She says and forget the rear view mirror broken on the road, shining like pieces of my heart that Tilt wishes I would leave behind too...but I can't.

“Pull over Tilt.”

“Erica, I’m not doing that. We are better than that, you can’t even drive this car, you’d have the transmission fucked after two miles! So fuck you, I’m not pulling over, and I’m not turning around! If you wanna get out and walk your sorry ass back to whatever miserable heartbreak you just came from, be my fucking guest, but you know I’m coming back for you. You know I always will.”

“Yeah, I know.”

And I’m walking back, I hear Her scream of frustration, or maybe it’s just the tires spinning as She drives off, She’s fucking pissed. I don’t know who is right…I never do, I don’t really care. I just know that as long as the rearview isn’t reflecting a burning wasteland, as long as there is a chance, I will always go back. Foolish as that might be, and as badly as I might get burned in the end, at least I can say I tried, hopeless mess of a dreamer that I am. And I know, no matter what I do…

Tilt will be back for me. She always will.