napalm

She’s sleeping, and I guess I am too, but are the inner workings of a person’s mind ever really laid to rest? This girl, she’s the only thing in the world I care about. Fuck every other guy, girl, human, whatever. This is it. She’s all. She’s not really sure what to make of me. I know she loves me, but I don’t think she knows why.

I know why.

It’s because I keep her safe. I’m her wall, her defense mechanism. I am the arms-length-distance between her and anyone else that could potentially damage her. I am the hand on her shoulder, guiding her carefully through a field of land mines, telling her where to step. Deliberately sidestepping and doubling back, setting traps and ambushes for any unwanted followers.

And to me, that’s everyone. I never said I was a saint.

She makes it so difficult though, keeping her safe. That stupid heart of hers, she’s always giving it away, falling in love, focusing all her attention on everyone except for me. I tell her all the time she’s better off without it. I have no idea what heartbreak feels like, and I never will. No one will ever be able to do that to me. Heartbreak is for suckers. It’s sick, seeing her after the wreckage, a pathetic heap on the bathroom floor crying over some boy who never even loved her or deserved her. If it were up to me I would make her untouchable...which I do my hardest to make that way anyways. I will do anything to make sure she is always happy, while joyously inflicting as much pain possible on whoever hurt her. No matter the cost,no matter how hard she tries to keep me at bay, no matter who I have to walk over and make life miserable for. If it were up to me, I would make sure anyone who ever hurt her would suffer a million times worse, which I try to do anyways. I will be her escape. I will hurt her wrongdoers, I will hurt them. And I will smile while I do it, whispering sweet little lies, targeting their own weaknesses and eventually going for the kill. Oh betrayal, oh envy, oh lust!

I am Erica’s smirking revenge

The thing with her is she believes everyone is good, and she doesn’t give up on people. Everyone deserves a chance, everyone makes mistakes. She forgives so easily. Except with me, she never forgives me. I say why bother? I am the constant voice in her head telling her to stay back, she’s going to get burned. I am the one constantly lighting fires for her, torching the enemy…and she never appreciates it, but she’ll thank me someday for striking first. I’m the exterminator of her life. I have to get rid of all those pests she wants to bring home and keep as pets, and she always cries when I send them running, tail between their legs, but I know best. It’s always for the best. She’s like a child, every day is brand new and shiny and anything is possible. Well what my darling girl doesn’t understand is that people don’t change, they are all liars. Some things are constant. There are rules, and there is a system, and half the fun in life is learning to infiltrate and destroy that system. Burn it to the ground, and build your own goddamn empire, crowning yourself God.

I will set fire to all her bridges for her.

It’s simple though. All you have is yourself. Really, no one else can be trusted, which for the life of me is why I can’t understand why she struggles against me so much, I know what we want. I know how to get it. And try as I might to kill her conscience, she always is convinced my way is the WRONG way. I always tell her there is no wrong way.

Life is simply not that black and white.

I wonder to whose standards she is trying to live her life? Who says revenge is wrong? Who says twisting words and situations to the best of your advantage is wrong? I mean really, what is so terrible about bewitching and entrancing your enemies to get what you want from them? I just don’t get it. Who decides what is wrong, the rest of the world? The general fucked up public? Well why don’t we just take a good hard look at the rest of the world, why don’t we just take a look at that general public… that’s what I thought.

I will keep her safe. I will keep her from those who don’t deserve her by whatever wicked means I can come up with, and those who stand in my way of keeping her happy will be very, very sorry.

No, you can’t love me. I don’t know if evil is the word for me. Erica certainly describes me that way often, but I am unconvinced if that is really the one word to sum me up. It seems kind of bland if you ask me...I know you can’t love me, but I don’t even have a heart, I can’t love you either. I will get what I want from you and move on, and Erica will try to clean up that mess. Erica is the only one who loves me because I keep her safe, but that is about it. For everything else she hates me. I “ruin everything”, but I know that someday she will see sense. I know that someday, I will get her to destroy that stupid heart of hers and we can finally reach our full potential. Until then, I will hold the world at bay and keep on pointing out all of the ugliness spread before her that she just wants to love so much and give chance after chance to. I will show her the ugliness cause by trusting others, by loving them, letting them inside and under your skin and in your mind.

But they don’t know that Erica has me inside her mind, her secret napalm.

I know she wants to get rid of me, but I want to get rid of her heart. One of us will win one of these days or maybe not. Maybe this will be a life long struggle. But we are both reckless, and stubborn. I just hope she doesn’t pull some fight club shit and shoot herself in the head or something.

Tyler Durden was a little bitch compared to me anyways